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-Ring ring ----- Ring ring ------ Ring ring-

"Good Afternoon. Spread Eagle Hotel, John speaking, how can I help?"

"Hello, could I speak to Mr Campbell"

"That's me"

"Hello Mr Campbell, I'm calling from a call centre in the West Midlands and I'd like to ask you if you have a few minutes to answer some pointless questions about branded glasses"

"I... suppose so"

"What products do you sell in branded glasses?"

"Well, we've Tennents..."

"Er... is that the same as Carling?"

"Not if you're Scottish it isn't"

"It's not on my list. I'll put 'other'"

"OK, and we have John Smith's, Guinness, Weston's Cider, Belhaven Best"

"Belhaven? that's not on my list either"

"But you've heard of Weston's. This'll be an English survey then. You've heard of a microscopically small English cider maker, but not the best selling Scottish lager"

"Er No... Um... do your customers prefer their product served in a branded glass or a plain glass?"

"They've never mentioned it. They complain about the price but not the logo on the glass"

"Which products do you not sell in branded glasses?"

"Our cask ale which comes from a microbrewery in Newcastle."

"Why is that?

"They can't afford drip mats let alone glasses"

"Which of your glasses do your customers like best"

"They've never mentioned it. I think the Kronenbourg ones are pretty"

"Customers prefer beer in a branded glass. One is strongly disagree, five is strongly agree"

"Er well, I suppose it means they can tell them apart. Which was 'agree a bit' again?"

"That would be four"

"Right"

"Now, how much would you be prepared to pay for branded glasses"

"Nothing. If they aren't free we'll use plain ones"

"Er, ok. If the right glass isn't available we will use any one. One is strongly agree, five is strongly disagree"

"Hang on, I thought five was strongly agree. I'm confused. Erm, one"

"Is that strongly agree"

"I'm not sure anymore"

"Do you stock branded half pint glasses?"

"No"

"Which products do you serve in branded half pint glasses?"

"Oh, for goodness sake! I've just told you that we don't have any"

"So I'll put none then"

"There's an idea"

"er, and finally we may contact you later with some additional questions. Would that be alright?"

"I don't suppose it'll make the slightest difference what I say here. Oh alright"

"Thank you. Can I have your job description?"

"Dogsbody"

"Pardon"

"Sorry, owner/manager/scapegoat"

"Thank you for your time"

-Click-